I can’t explain.

I don’t know how to describe it but it seems that energy is in short supply these days. Work is gearing up again and I’m just not at all motivated to tell the truth. Once again they’ve paired me up with an inexperienced person who also apparently wants to drive.

I hate to say it but I feel like I’m just running out the clock now.

I have a contract that is supposed to run to the end of the year but from past experience I know that any contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on since they cut me loose in the middle of one two years ago. The company I work for doesn’t really seem all that interested in making me a regular full timer or even considering me for any other roles.

Being on a contract is a bit of a good thing because I don’t have to go through the bullshit review business that regular employers are forced to endure where people write down their goals for the coming year.

This is akin to punishing your employees… you hired people and now you are forcing them to come up with reason to justify their continued employment? I mean what an absolute bit of corporate torment that is.

So, what are your goals for the coming year?

At the six month check-in…

So what is your progress in achieving your stated goals?

Like my only goal is to do my job and collect a fucking paycheck! What the hell is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!! I’m lucky in that I dodge shit like that, they did it the first year I was there and that was something of a depressing insult when the manager I reported to clearly had a mental image of me that bore no relationship to what I was actually doing. Better still was that it was one of those things that downplayed why the project I was on was a success and kept me from other roles in the company.

Yeah, I can pass on that.

But again, the thing is I just haven’t had a lot of energy and I’m not getting things done the way I need to.

I had to have a scan for the follow up on the whole toe thing and there were some things in the scan that they want me to go for another scan in a few months just to follow up on. It could be nothing but then it could be something too.

I looked at the report and dissected it.

Nothing was odd really and when I did speak to the doctor she just reinforced the research I had done. Yet, I’ve had a cough for a while not that I can’t explain and I just don’t know if it’s Covid or something else.

So, there’s that. Is it age?

Well it could be.

I can see a point where I’m not working though. This contract runs out I just don’t know if they’ll re up me. I don’t trust them to do it. It won’t be easy finding work either, I can tell you that so there’s a big question of how I’ll manage to survive and that’s always lingering around in the background.

I’ve been there… honestly, I’ve been to that place where money is in short supply and you’re choosing whether you are going to have lunch or dinner but it won’t be both. It wasn’t fun or pretty and it’s a hard place to be because there’s the knowledge that no one will swoop in and make everything better. I learned that back then and it colored everything that happened since.

It tore away all the artifice and genteel trappings of the world around me and my relationships with people. More likely than not it wasn’t a positive thing overall.

All I know is that summer is almost here and I really want to enjoy it…